never ending notion.


today was actually good.school was alright,after school was great although we didn't get to see the sunset in the end.don't be sad handsome!!we'll go to sentosa soon.liked the time we spent today.on the long 61 bus ride,talked to handsome.she said some stuff tht made me think.sigh.

elizabeth,the mother.talked to me when i got home AGAIN.she said i should stop all my nonsense. :'( i'm so angry,sad,tired and i just wanna cry.frankly.i'm tired of making everything work.i'm just so drained,tht it's not funny.i don't know how to deal with what everyone has to throw at me anymore.i'm now suddenly caught in the middle.elizabeth thinks i don't care about how she feels,tht she's lost face,but i do.she thinks i care more about my friends.she doesn't see i'm torn in between.it's just so fucked up.

EVERYONE tells me the same thing over and over again,talk things out,be open.but NO ONE sees how hard it is to do tht.it's not tht i don't want to,somehow,my mouth won't let me.it seems like i've become something tht i've been avoiding all along.everytime i'm there for pple,i tell them it's okay,tht they should talk things out,sort out how they feel,take one step at a time.all tht crap.in the end,i've become the person who does the total opposite of those things.i keep quiet,i try to solve everything at once and in the end,i either scew the best things i have in life,the people tht mean the world to me,or i just am/end up in such a mess.fuck the friggin' world.no!fuck me,for putting myself here and landing myself this awesome fucking position.

everything tht i've been preventing from happening,has happened.call it de ja vue[sp??],it doesn't matter!cuz like it or not,it happens anyway.now my heart's on the floor,trampled on and i don't know how to pick it up...how sad right?well,i guess i got myself into this shit hole.as nat and i say,i'm gonefuck.in other words,in sing-lish,i'm gone case laaaaa..where do i go from here?well,i've thought tht through too.it's not the easy way out,but it seems like the most worthy of all the ideas i've gotten.so here's my solution to the problem,tht i dig a hole and bury myself.it sounds so good and promising,doesn't it??yet,it seems silly and childish..so,how do you mend a broken heart?someone,anyone?!give me some direction.cuz my brain is fried and i'm in my stubborn stage.i need panadols!my head is going to burst.veins are like probably popping out,just tht i can't see them.

my new found motto:"the world is fucked up.like it or not,it swollows you whole and spits you back out." plain and simple eh?well,it's true.

i'm so angry,i can't stand it!!the walls look so tempting,my hands are inching toward them.the habit's gonna creep up on me AGAIN.ah,fuck it.i haven't been this pissed in yonks.no wonder i'm handling it so 'well' eh?U G H.i wish i could blame some fuckers for everything.but the only fucker i have to blame is me.this is just great.i'm venting on smth tht will never retaliate[sp??].this is a whole load of crap.bye.


i NEED my happy pill badly!!!!!!!! :(( misses.


:(,
chess.


"how can i smile with a tear in my eye...?"